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I’ve recently spent a lot of time thinking about how I’ve changed over the past five and ten years. Arbitrary time points to be sure, but any significant amount more than that, and we’re talking about a middle school-aged kid, and really, how is that at all useful? I think this really came out of interviewing applicants for my undergraduate institution.

To the point: if the person you were five or ten years ago were to meet the person you are today, would you recognize yourself? What would you think? How about the reverse: if the person you are today were to meet the person you were five or ten years ago, what would you think?

Judge me all you like for leaving and ending things the way I did, but your opinion is meaningless if you lack the facts.

I was the one being abused in an emotionally abusive relationship. I left.

This is a work in progress.

If I attend , it might mean that I head down a basic science path. I’m not sure at what point I’d be able to mash tissue engineering into my career, if ever. Angiogenesis comes close, but isn’t really the same thing. Also, lots of friends here, but I’m worried that if I attend and become the ridiculous student I should have been as an undergrad, people will hold it against me. Social currency is money, of which I have and will have little.

If I attend , I can mash tissue engineering into my career immediately. There are at least three different laboratories I could rotate through that, at the very least, have collaborations which involve tissue engineering. I also have a few friends here, but they’re all in school and similarly busy. Social currency is intelligence, which is great.

If I attend , I’m not sure what I’d really be doing. Genetic Medicine research looks very interesting, but tissue engineering is not something that is done here. Few friends in the area. High cost of living without much justification. Social currency: connections.

Table below.
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I just found my copy of the U.S. News & World Report Graduate School Rankings. Skimming through the admission statistics they have for each engineering school, I am only more sure that I should be doing this. I am qualified to gain admission; I just need to prove it to the admissions committees and the departments to which I am applying.

Two rejections have already been sent to me, and in better economic conditions, it would be pretty obvious what they meant. However, knowing that the applicant pool is much larger now, it’s not quite as clear.

The factors that could negatively impact my application are my undergraduate GPA, my lack of experience in biomedical engineering-specific research, the strength of my recommendation letters, and the strength of my own statement of purpose. The first and third items in that list are not things I can change, and the second would be difficult, though not impossible to improve.

This whole situation is frustrating, sure, but I’ve had a lot of support. Some people have been more helpful than others, however. Telling me that I’m definitely qualified and that I should apply again later is great; telling me that you don’t think I should go to graduate school now because it’ll be competitive, or that I won’t be as wealthy as quickly is not. At best, this line of thinking is a transparent cover and distraction for one’s own selfish interests.

I am increasingly grateful for the existence of Post 84, the outdoor education program, at my high school; not only for the skills I learned as a participant and then later as staff of the program, but also for the investment I made in the clothing and equipment at the time.  I’m still using most of that today, and it really is invaluable during inclement weather of the sort that Washington, DC has been experiencing over the past week or so, with more on the way later this afternoon and into tomorrow evening.

There is something about seeing a city on your own, if even for only a day, that can completely change your life.

I have that feeling about today. This has only happened once before, and eerything that followed was amazing.

K: “She writes little notes about everyone in her Contacts list — you should see what she wrote about you!”

Me: <nods> “Mmhm.  Maybe.”

I didn’t look.  I assume she trusted me not to when she let me use her computer.  Besides, if I don’t know what she actually wrote, I can pretend it says anything I want it to.

Since that day, I’ve believed that it says what I have to tell her will be well-received.

My PI gave me a pep talk about graduate school this morning, and combined with a couple other recent events, it has brought grad school as a possibility back into my future life plans.  It’s irritating that I keep going back and forth on this.  Sorry for the mental vomit that comes below, but it’s part of the reason why I haven’t been able to make up my mind.

Issues to consider:

• Turns out I’m not half bad at science
• I’ll most likely be on two papers within the next six months, which is good for grad school and med school; ok for industry, but having only a bachelor’s is a limiting factor there.  means nothing outside of science.
• I missed working in the lab when I wasn’t doing so Senior year or college
• I don’t even hide the fact I’m a huge science dork
• Graduate student stipends are ~$21,000/yr
• Lab environment and dynamic are highly variable, and people and personalities are important.  also important in an office, which just as limiting in social interaction.  social aspect totally different than working in medicine
• Could go for dual-degree, but that essentially doubles the time before I actually begin my career post-education.
• I’ll most likely work 10+ hours days and many “occasional” weekends
• I’d probably work 10+ hours a day and many “occasional” weekends anywhere I work
• Graduate school is way less expensive than medical school
• I’d most likely need at least one post-doc position after graduating in order to gain experience, so +2 or more years
• Medical residencies are similar, and could take longer
• If I want to stay in science, the only way to make it a decent career is to get a PhD
• The only ways I’m going to make a decent amount of money in science are to either run a lab or go into industry.
• Running a lab involves always chasing money, but I will be my own boss, sort of.
• Working in industry is more structured, but I surrender more independence.  Pay is higher for the same or less work.
• I have a bit of security in my current position, minimum one year, possibly up to two.
• Science: I get to play with expensive toys and generate images like this:


HCMV-infected HFF

• Outside of science, and maybe in industry: I can buy my own toys.

Conclusions:

1. Medical school is out, unless it’s part of a dual-degree medical scientist training program and I end up with both an MD and PhD.
2. If I stay in science, everything I’ve done for the last four-plus years is still working for me.  Cons: I will be broke for at least four years.  Risky after grad school.  Can lose funding and enter career limbo.  Need to start applying now.
3. If I leave science, my options may be limited?  Alternatives: product design consultancy (e.g. Ideo), management consulting (not familiar with the field).  Cons: my experience is lacking, at least from my perspective.  Can be laid off.  Should start applying now.

I’m headed up to Philadelphia for a family wedding tomorrow, and I’ll be back in DC Sunday evening.  One of my second cousins is getting married, and I’m the representative for my immediate family, since my parents are in Seattle and my sister is at school in Vermont.

It’s always intimidating to go to these family functions, because my extended family on my mom’s side is absolutely huge.  Apparently I have 59 cousins of some flavor, most are second cousins (my mom’s uncle’s children’s children — I think that’s second cousins, but I’m not sure how it translates into English).  I have, I think, only six first cousins on my mom’s side.  Only.  Anyway, Philadelphia in particular is intimidating because a large number of my cousins live there, and every time I’ve gone to visit, I’ve had to re-learn everyone’s names because I can’t keep them straight in my head, and they’re all about my age and therefore change as rapidly as I do in the years between visits.  So this weekend will be fun.

Additionally, I finally opened and used the iron and ironing board I bought when I first moved to DC, thinking that I’d need them because I’d likely be looking for work for quite some time.  Turns out I got the first job I interviewed for, and lab work being what it is — a hazardous environment for nice clothes — I haven’t needed to use an iron in a year.  Well, I take that back.  I’ve needed to use it; I just haven’t because I didn’t need to wear ironed clothes.  A wedding kind of changes that.

It's a cute little iron, but rather useless.

The last iron I owned was this tiny little Rowenta travel iron I bought for college, since my first-year dorm room was 96 sq. ft., along with a tiny tabletop ironing board.  I bought it not only because it was cheap and I had no money, but because I felt that I couldn’t justify a more expensive iron.  I could not have been more wrong.

I didn’t realize that the weight of an iron made that big of a difference in the amount of effort it would take to actually take the wrinkles out of a shirt.  That, and I had no idea when this thing was up to the right temperature.  All of these things made me severely dislike not only the iron, but the act of ironing itself, just because it took so much of my time just to look presentable.

Anyway, it took me only 15 minutes to iron the shirts I just did with my new iron.  These exact same shirts took nearly an hour with the dinky little thing I used to have.  The lesson: don’t cheap out on things that are supposed to help you do things faster and more efficiently.

Analyze this for me:

1. Hush Sound – As You Cry
2. Ok Go – You’re So Damn Hot
3. Travis – Indefinitely
4. O.A.R. – Black Rock
5. Ok Go – 1000 Miles Per Hour
6. Blues Traveler – Girl Inside my Head
7. Death Cab For Cutie – A Movie Script Ending
8. Guster – Amsterdam
9. The Zutons – Valerie
10. Death Cab for Cutie – Why’d You Want to Live Here
11. Ok Go – C-C-C-Cinnamon Lips
12. O.A.R – Ladanay
13. Yellowcard – Lights and Sounds
14. Maroon 5 – “Back at Your Door”
15. The Zutons – Tired of Hanging Around
16. The Magnetic Fields – Fido, Your Leash is Too Long
17. O.A.R. – Conquering Fools
18. Radiohead – Vegetable
19. Ok Go – There’s a Fire
20. The Submarines – You, Me, and the Bourgeoisie
21. Dandy Warhols – Minnesoter